Conflict Avoidance in a Relationship: How to Overcome It

The end result is a happy, healthy, and profitable workplace…sooner vs. later. Like a chisel that taps away stone to create a sculpture, little by little, Dan started to allow himself to look within. He began to see the impact of how his inner fears and insecurities were driving his external abrasive behavior. When we first met, he was angry and didn’t understand why he was being offered coaching by his employer. All he knew was his job was on the line if he didn’t turn around his behavior. Many avoiders grew up in a family where the unspoken rule was to avoid feelings, and if feelings were spoken of the expectation was to deal with it on your own. Every family establishes norms about what’s okay to talk about and what isn’t, including feelings.

• There’s never an example given when they say they will try it’s just a “bandaid” I’ve learned overtime.
• Whatever you call it, when conflict isn’t resolved, there’s often a palpable strain on the way people communicate with each other.
• By ignoring the problem and not discussing it, you don’t have to deal with the outcome.
• Your siblings haven’t spoken to each other in months because of a fight ages ago, but they don’t want to address it.
• A wise person or professional counselor can assist you in responding well to conflicts and guide you in practicing healthy conflict-resolution.

Simon G. Niblock, MA, LMFT, is a licensed psychotherapist, specializing in men’s mental health and wellness. He provides tailored psychotherapy services and online programs for men and is the author of the Anxiety Workbook for Men, Evidence-based Exercises to Manage Anxiety, Depression, and Worry. Contact me to schedule a free 30-minute phone consultation.

Help for the Conflict Avoidant

I feel judged, unloved, and like someone is somewhat unknowingly betraying my feelings after repeatedly at some other times, saying they won’t. There’s never an example given when they say they will try it’s just a “bandaid” I’ve learned overtime. Because of my health I can not leave currently it’s impossible. I am working on it and trying but in the meantime it’s kind of emotionally killing me. My boyfriend and I have been dating for almost 2 years. He’s a wonderful person and we love each other but he has been trying to establish his own business that is taking an awful lot of time. This frustrates me so much and when I want to share my feelings with him, he gets very defensive, he thinks that I’m attacking him, then he completely shuts down.

Then, maintain that your experience is valid , and describe how moving forward in relationship with them might look like for you so you can be well. The person who is confronted has an opportunity to explain his or her perspective, clarify a miscommunication, or own a misstep. Unfortunately, it is sometimes easier to swallow personal feelings than confront a person who is robustly defensive and extremely reactionary. A person may repress and suppress their own needs, feelings, and perspectives, but eventually, an implosion feels inevitable.

Conflict Avoidance Doesn’t Do You Any Favors

If this were scenario were real, your life would certainly feel more convenient , but in real life, conflict is inevitable. What evidence do you have that these thoughts are valid?

• He was talking about emotional and social intelligence long before all the books we have today on the topic.
• If you are engaging with your spouse, remember that honest communication ensures your relationship is authentic and improves its chances for success.
• Don’t tell me I should have done this or that or the other thing.
• Every day is filled with conflicts both large and small.
• Another reason that people may feel the type of sensitivity that you described is if they grew up in a family that was very low conflict, even to the point of being emotionally distant.

Conflict avoidant people have an extreme fear of disappointing or being abandoned by others, so they’ll figure out ways to deny or minimize problems so they don’t have to discuss them. The result of all this avoidance are feelings of resentment, hopelessness and anger which build up over time and eventually come out in some crappy, unhealthy way.

The Three Ways Conflict Avoidance Hurts Your Relationships

The same reaction only occurs in women who have highly avoidant personalities. Men have never been taught how to engage in conflict well. Resolving conflict involves being in touch with your thoughts and feelings and then expressing them in a way that allows room for others to share their thoughts. Often our culture shames boys for expressing their emotions and champions the masculine approach of dealing with conflict, which is to win at all costs. Rarely is navigating their way to a thoughtfully constructed win-win solution modeled for them. However, we’re not here to talk about how to avoid conflict. We’re here to discuss healthy ways to deal with conflicts when they arise.

I did a lot when I felt like I was being attacked or I knew my opinion/feeling wasn’t going to get understood. I got to the point I would get quiet or how to deal with someone who avoids conflict I would just agree with her. Of course she knew exactly what was going on, she’d confront me about shutting down and I was short with how I felt.

How to Resolve Communication Between Coworkers in a Business

If you have a tendency to attach in your relationships by avoiding confrontation and connection, or are prone to secrets, you may have some avoidant tendencies you learned in childhood. God walks with us as we face challenging situations. God equips us with wisdom and strength to face the difficulties in life. Conflict can provide us with opportunities to grow and cultivate richer and deeper relationships. Take a step of faith and move toward healing your relationships. If the other parties won’t address the conflict or gaslight you for trying to do so, holding your boundaries may require expressing to them why you are addressing the conflict.